Sun, 9 June 2019
"Across the world, despite all prejudices and beliefs against it, singlehood is the growing trend." —Elyakim Kislev , author of Happy Singlehood: The Rising Acceptance and Celebration of Solo Living
It is highly beneficial to understand the construction of our beliefs regarding singledom, so that after discarding the myths and acknowledging the realities, we can "freely choose whatever lifestyle fits [us] best".
With the life expectancy in most developed countries rising to just under 80 years, it is a statistical probability that all of us will be living single or solo at some point in our lives whether by choice or circumstances, and consequently, knowing how to enjoy being single is a skill that would be most beneficial to acquire.
Depending upon our innate temperaments, which is different than our personalities, each of us is more predisposed to be comfortable or prefer more or less social engagement. And depending upon what we most enjoy doing in our careers and in our free time, we will be more or less inclined to seek out companionship for long or short durations.
Elyakim Kislev's new book, which was released in February, includes extensive research and an abundance of studies that demonstrate the reality of our modern world that no matter what you prefer, will enable each of us to live more consciously and thus more fully, as well as support others in our lives who choose to live in a manner we may not prefer or choose.
The first powerful finding that spoke to me was the acknowledgement of an unspoken truth regarding marriage (these studies involves a large majority of the industrialized world, not just the United States) - why do people step more easily into marriage even with modernizations of the world we live in today.
Studies have actually proven that the 51% of individuals entering into marriage acknowledge that it is "a fear of aging alone or dying without anyone at our bedside that drives us into marriage".
"Marriage may not be such a good way to escape loneliness in old age. Not only do married people feel lonely in surprisingly high numbers, but also long-term singles are often better equipped to deal with loneliness later in life".
Yes, that does then mean 49% of people did not report this as a reason, but that alone should give us pause, especially when we know that the divorce rate is nearly as proportionate and the percentage of a second divorce is higher still. While each couple's situation is uniquely alone, to not address this fear is to place an undeserved burden on individual we are marrying. In fact, studies have proven, when we do address this fear, as those who have never married do, earlier in our lives, the individual is more likely to make the best decision for themselves and thus improve their overall happiness no matter what the decision may be.
Many TSLL readers/listeners know I am single and have been for the majority of my life. Don't worry, this is not a post/episode advocating for being single if you are either already in a happy marriage, happy relationship or wish to be coupled. Rather today's posting will hopefully broaden our understanding of the realities of societal norms, motivations, pressures, expectations, unconscious biases and realities so that whatever your life's journey is and will be, it is one made with a clear mind that has discarded the myths and is then able to make the best decisions for you and the life you wish to lead. True contentment, in other words, is the goal of today's posting.
26 Ways to Ensure Happy Singledom
~Each of these points are discussed in detail in the audio version of this podcast episode. I encourage you to tune in for further clarification of each point or pick up the book Happy Singlehood from which each of these points were inspired.
1.Assess honestly your self-perception of how you define loneliness and where that definition was constucted.
2. Build and continually nurture a strong social well-being
Having a strong social well-being helps eradicate or reduce social loneliness and emotional loneliness as you will have people in your life in which you feel close to and may turn to (emotional), as well as have both intimate and peripheral acquaintances that give you a sense of belonging (social).
~Listen to Episode #92 - Elements of a Strong Social Well-Being - for further discussion on the construction.
3. Conduct a life review: Self-reflect and find peace with your journey thus far
"Happy older singles [have] the ability to look back and gain control over the circumstances that led to being single".
4. Celebrate and exercise the ability to make your own decisions
5. Revel in your solitude - produce your own "show" so to speak
6. Take responsibility for your own contentment
~View a long list of archived posts and episodes on cultivating true contentment or pick up my 2nd book - Living The Simply Luxurious Life
7. Distinguish between the myths regarding marriage and singlehood and reality
Myth versus reality:
"Young people fear being physically vulnerable in old age more than elders [actually] do".
"Fifty-seven percent of the eighteen-to-sixty-four-year old population anticipate memory loss in old age, while only 25 percent of those aged sixty-five and above actually experience it. Furthermore, while 42 percent expect serious illness in old age, only 21 percent of those aged sixty-five and above experience the same."
"While an expectation of loneliness arises among 29 percent of young people, only 17 percent experience loneliness in old age."
8. Foresee and prepare for potential emergencies
In other words, financial planning - engage with it early, often and regularly, craft a living will, construct your own "family" - .
9. Engage with your community for resources, connection and engagement
10. Learn how to socially engage as a singleton in a manner that makes you feel safe and fulfilled
11. Refrain from seeing marriage as a form of "self-validation".
In other words, seek validation from within, as society's values are limiting, dynamic and generalized.
~A post you might enjoy on this topic: First, Seek Self-Approval
12. Use your time being single as a time for self-growth and development - find the road to your truest self
~A post you might enjoy on this topic: Why Not . . . Live Alone for a While?
13. Maintain and strengthen your overall health - physical and mental
~An episode you might enjoy on this topic: The Six Pillars of Good Health, episode #212
14. If you are a pet person, welcome a pet into your life.
15. Confront the fears that are causing you to assume marriage is the answer to assuage them before you get married for the wrong reasons.
16. Simply be aware of the social stigmas, discrimination and pressures placed on singles.
Doing so will enable you to confront and effectively deal with situations when they arise in a productive way to potentially bring more awareness to the realities and discrimination that exists.
17. Have a positive self-image and self-perception of your life as someone who is single
Present yourself to the world, whether at work or in your personal life as the confident and happy person that you are - some who happens to be single - knowing that is not all that defines you. Gradually, images change when we put a face to the reality.
18. Build your self-confidence
Find work and hobbies in which you feel valued and accomplished - this could be in your career, in your hobbies or in your social network. Be willing to try new things, and as you see that you can learn, change, improve and grow, you begin to realize you hold more power to cultivate the life you love than you may have realized - thus your confidence grows.
~An episode you might enjoy on the topic: Confidence: How to Gain It & Why It's Invaluable, episode #5
19. Consciously avoid the social pressure and discrimination
In other words, your attention gives validation. And if you choose not speak up, what is said or done is deemed as acceptable. Whether it is the conversations you listen to or engage in, the people you spend time with, the films you pay to see, the music you listen to, etc., your time, money and attention are powerful - give it consciously.
20. Speak up and confront discrimination when it occurs
Often people aren't even aware of their bias regarding marriage being the "best" option. Construct a parallel question to those who ask "Why are you still single?" or "I'm still keeping an eye out for you." There are some great ones in the book. Make sure to keep the comment or question equal to what was received so that the speaker can see the error of their words and assumptions.
21. Seek a career or a calling that gives you purpose, in which you feel you are contributing something of value to the world.
22. Find a balance with work and leisure
23. Let your curiosities guide you to seek out educational opportunities for growth
24. Strengthen your three pillars of good health - physical, mental and financial
25. Acknowledge and cultivate manageable household responsibilites
26. Recognize that choosing and embracing being single is not out of weakness or selfishness, but of strength and awareness to connect often more consciously.
"As singles, we know more than anybody else that true independence is actually interdependence."
We liberate ourselves when we recognize there are many different ways to live well in our modern world. And even for those who do not fully or will never accept that there is more than one traditional way to live contentedly and contribute to society positively, as well as giving ourselves the opportunity to be self-actualized, when we model the reality rather than the myth, we encourage others to explore and reach their full potential as well. A more content world is a peaceful world.
If anyone is so fortunate to find a partner to enjoy life with should they wish to and be able to reach their fullest potential without feeling they are limited, confined or lonely in something they "should" be doing, what a magnificent awesome union. Losing such a person, no matter what our age would be heartbreaking, but we can only control and strengthen ourselves, and when we strengthen the muscle of self-reflection, acknowlegement of fears rather than a suppression, we set ourselves free to live well throughout the entirity of our life's journey.
The responsibility each of us has is to not place upon someone else's shoulders that which we are capable of doing ourselves. When we take on this responsibility of cultivating our own happiness and contentment, we will see more clearly what path we truly wish to travel, we will strengthen all of our relationships as we recognize we are interconnected in large and small ways, and we will give ourselves a deep breath of relief and excitement for the next step in our journey forward.
~SIMILAR POSTS/EPISODES YOU MIGHT ENJOY:
~The Truths & Myths of the Independent, Single Woman, episode #94
~Daily Rituals: Women at Work by Mason Curry